HOW DO I BECOME A SAINT ?

36. BECOME A SAINT

FOR MY CATHOLIC AND NON-CATHOLIC FRIENDS.... ie ALL THE BAPTISTS I KNOW. HERE'S TO ADDING MORE REASONS WHY YOU THINK CATHOLICISM IS "CHINCY" !

AS IF THE CRUCIFIXES, BELLS, CONFESSIONS TO ANOTHER PERSON, AND THE PROCESS OF TRANSUBSTANTIATION (FIGURE OUT THE SCRABBLE POINTS FOR THAT ONE) AREN'T ENOUGH. THEN AGAIN, IF YOU CAN PULL THAT OFF IN SCRABBLE, YOU PROBABLY DO HAVE HIM IN YOUR BAG OF LETTERS SHALL WE SAY.

I THINK I AM A GOOD GUY, BUT CAN I BE A SAINT ONE DAY. THAT WOULD BE A NICE HONOR TO ADD ALONG WITH THE WHO'S WHO OF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS, HIGH WONDERLIC SCORE, AND BEST ATTITUDE TROPHIES I GARNERED EVERY YEAR IN LITTLE LEAGUE (WHEN YOU SUCKED AS BAD AS I DID, THEY HAD TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING; I BELIEVE I WAS WHAT YOU CALL AN "EASY OUT")AND NUMEROUS AND SUNDRY OTHER THINGS (THANKS FOR THAT SAYING MAMA; I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS).

ANYWAY. BACK TO THE TASK AT HAND.

HOW DOES ONE BECOME A SAINT? BE GOD'S PADNA? NOPE. HELP LITTLE OLD LADIES CROSS THE STREET? NOT CLOSE. THROW A GROSS OF "GOOD BEADS" TO EVERYONE YOU SEE ALONG THE NEREIDS/EROS PARADE ROUTE? AH AH.

ONCE YOU'VE LIVED A WONDERFUL LIFE HELPING OTHERS, LIVING IN CHRIST'S IMAGE, AND GOING TO MASS WEEKLY, OR AS THE GEN Y'S DO, CONSULTING YOUR ASSORTMENT OF WWJD BRACELETS, T-SHIRTS, AND HATS, DO YOU BECOME A SAINT?NOT HARDLY. IT IS A LONG AND LENGTHY PROCESS. IT CAN TAKE DECADES OR CENTURIES. OUTLINED BELOW IS THE PROCESS FOR CANONIZATION (ANOTHER SCRABBLE SUPER SCORER).

A local bishop investigates the candidate's life and writings for evidence of heroic virtue. The information uncovered by the bishop is sent to the Vatican.

A panel of theologians and the cardinals of the Congregation for Cause of Saints evaluate the candidate's life.

If the panel approves, the pope proclaims that the candidate is venerable, which means that the person is a role model of Catholic virtues.

The next step toward sainthood is beatification, which allows a person to be honored by a particular group or region. In order to beatify a candidate, it must be shown that the person is responsible for a posthumous miracle. Martyrs -- those who died for their religious cause -- can be beatified without evidence of a miracle. On Oct. 20, 2003, Mother Teresa was beatified. She is now known as Blessed Mother Teresa of Kolkata.

In order for the candidate to be considered a saint, there must be proof of a second posthumous miracle. If there is, the person is canonized.

SO, WHAT ARE MY CHANCES?EQUAL TO GETTING A HOLE IN ONE ON A 200 YARD PAR 3 (NOT TOO GOOD)

I THINK NUMBERS 4 AND 5 WILL BE THE HANG UP FOR ME. I CAN HANDLE 1,2,3. AFTER ALL, BIG JOHN GOT THEM BOYS THEIR JOBS !

BUT THIS POSTHUMOUS MIRACLE BUSINESS MIGHT BE A PROBLEM. MY QUESTION IS.....HOW DO THEY KNOW THAT YOU ARE PERFORMING THE MIRACLE IF YOU ARE DEAD? OH YEA, THEY CALL THAT FAITH.

ACCORDING TO SOME PEOPLE IN MY LIFE, I WILL BE ABLE TO ACHIEVE MANY MIRACLES DURING LIFE. LIKE GETTING LAID. GETTING MARRIED. APPEARING ON DANCING WITH THE STARS. ETC. ETC.

BUT THE ONE'S AFTER I AM BURIED WILL BE SOMEWHAT DIFFICULT. IF HEAVEN IS ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE (72' VIKING SPORTFISH FILLED WITH YOUNG TEENY WEENY BIKINI CLAD WOMEN, IN THE AZORES; MAYBE NOT YOUR IDEA OF HEAVEN, BUT THIS IS MY BLOG) I AM NOT SURE I WILL BE TOO WORRIED ABOUT PERFORMING MIRACLES FOR THOSE OF YOU "LEFT BEHIND". SORRY.

WITH ALL THAT SAID, ODDS AREN'T LOOKING TOO GOOD FOR A NEW "SAINT THOMAS OF BAY ST LOUIS, OR AS HERBERT WOULD SAY, SAN' TEE REE WHERE YOU BE.....AT BRA" IT DOES HAVE A NICE RING THOUGH. DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE FINE.

IN ENDING, I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH A FEW IMPORTANT SAINTS FOR YOU TO "CONSULT". IF THE WWJD HELP DESK LINES IN BOMBAY ARE HAVING LONG WAIT TIMES, YOU MAY WANT TO SEND THESE FOLKS A TEXT. THEIR RESPONSE TIME MIGHT BE A LITTLE QUICKER.

SAINT DUFFER (NO SHIT, CAN'T MAKE THIS UP) PATRON SAINT OF GOLFERS

SAINT LAWRENCE (A WORK AND TAILGATING FAVORITE) PATRON SAINT OF CHEFS, ESPECIALLY THE OPEN-FIRE TYPES ......CHECK OUT THIS DUDE'S STORY

SAINT EMILY/SAINT ANNE (FOR THE SINGLE LADIES) PATRON SAINTS OF SINGLE LAY WOMEN (NO JOKES HERE PLEASE !)

SAINT ANTHONY (LOST YOUR CAR KEYS ?) PATRON SAINT OF LOST THINGS

SAINT ANDREW (FOR MY FISHING BUDDIES) PATRON SAINT OF FISHERMEN AND OLD MAIDS (MAKES SENSE)

AND FINALLY,

SAINT RAPHAEL (FOR WHEN FINDING THE RIGHT "MOOD" SEEMS DIFFICULT, OR THE PHARMACY CLOSED BEFORE YOU COULD PICK UP THAT HEAVENLY VIAGRA) PATRON SAINT OF LOVERS, AND THE BLIND (REALLY, NO KIDDING)